Okay, I’m going to attempt to drown myself….

You can try this at home. You can be just like me. (1)

Okay people, let’s talk about minding your own damn business.

I work at a large company and we have an open seating arrangement that’s really annoying. There’s no offices, no cubicles, just a row of tables and the employees sit side by side, like a millennial sweat shop. Anytime anyone speaks, the whole office can hear it. Bye bye privacy. So there’s this one guy who sits near me and takes it upon himself to tell my boss (who works remotely) every little thing I say. What a douche. So then I get a call 10 minutes later from my boss “Were you complaining about me?” “Do you hate your job?” “Do you regularly contemplate murder/suicide during business hours?” Okay, in all fairness the answer is probably a hard yes to all of those questions, but YOU AREN’T HERE AND YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

I know all of you reading this are polite, kind, business minders, but for anyone who may be unfamiliar with the concept or need to develop the skill set, get ready for a LIFE LESSON.

  1. Did you hear the full conversation? No? Then maybe don’t repeat it, idiot.
  2. Was I speaking to you? No? Then kindly BUTT OUT.
  3. Does what I’m saying affect you in any way, shape, or form? No? Cool. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

I can’t tell you how understanding and practicing those 3 little concepts will advance your life and your career, because if you don’t, people will hate you, you’ll have no friends, and you will die.

Whatever. I’m going to play kickball.

And if I offended you, good. Because I still don’t give a fuck. (2)

 

 

Credit where credit is due –

  1. Role Model – by Eminem
  2. Still Don’t Give A Fuck – by Eminem

Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up?

We’re gonna have a problem here…. (1)

Yesterday at work I made a joke about stabbing people. Everyone stopped and stared at me in shock for a minute and then burst out laughing. They didn’t expect something so violent to come out of my pretty little white girl mouth (where my basic bitches at?). Surprisingly, this happens to me regularly. People just can’t handle my classic good looks, quick wit, and violent thoughts. OBVIOUSLY I’d never stab someone, but in the context of the conversation, it just made sense.

Because my obscene thoughts are often met with shock and awe, I started thinking. Am I the new Slim Shady of 2017? LOL no. But there are a plethora of similarities between us – we’re both short (respectively, I’m shorter than Slim), we’re both angry blondes, we both love Beats by Dre (headphones and otherwise), and we both wonder about whatever happened to wildin’ out and being violent. (2)

I’m no Rap God (3), so I needed to find a different way to release my hilarious, compelling, somewhat controversial thoughts to the world. I found the perfect place to spit my shit – this blog! I hope you find my thoughts and experiences entertaining, and maybe you’ll even relate.

But if I offend you, good. Because I just don’t give a fuck. (4)

Credit where credit is due –

  1. The Real Slim Shady – by Eminem
  2. Marshall Mathers – by Eminem
  3. Rap God – by Eminem
  4. Just Don’t Give a Fuck – by Eminem