Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now (1)

I’m sitting in an airport bar right now as I write today’s post. My plane was supposed to leave at 6:30pm, but here it is 10pm and I still haven’t left. After 4 delays, I really COULD use a wish right now. I’m now scheduled to take off at 12:15am, so we’ll see how that goes.

When you book an evening flight, it’s understandable that you might be delayed a bit. Things happen, flights take off late, it’s raining, someone barfed; I get it. But to delay 6 MOTHERFUCKING HOURS, I call that bullshit. I asked why we were delayed; maybe it was due to the light ‘mist’ we’re getting here in New England – no, we’re delayed because someone called off and there was NO BACK UP FLIGHT ATTENDANT. If I decided not to show up to work and didn’t tell my colleagues how they could keep business moving at a reasonable pace, well, I think we’d call that FIRED. All I have to say is Delta had better give me a refund. Don’t worry, I already tweeted at them so it’s just a matter of time. I mean, I’m a rewards member for God’s sake, I have their credit card. I deserve SOMETHING.

I don’t know why I’m even surprised, Boston Logan International Airport is the worst. My flights are always delayed here and the restaurants are always closed. Let’s be real, I never make time to eat so by 10pm I’m FUCKING HANGRY. I’ll settle for wine though. Also, I always have to wait 45 minutes for my luggage at Logan. Like, are these people retarded? Detroit takes 5 minutes. #DetroitVsEverybody

Speaking of Detroit, DTW is the best airport I’ve ever been to, hands down. Flights are on time, there’s plenty of activities, and my luggage comes in 5 minutes. It’s the heaven of airports. If Detroit sucks at everything else (which it doesn’t), it wins at air travel.

So what do you do in an airport for 6 hours to keep yourself busy? You write blog posts. And you take snap chats. And you drink wine. I drank enough wine that I decided to snap Kim Kardashian, so if she answers I’ll let you know.  I really hope I get so drunk that I’m the one that barfs on the plane. Take that Delta.

If I offended you, good. Because I just don’t give a fuck (2).

Credit where credit is due –

  1. Airplanes – BoB, Hayley Williams
  2. Still Don’t Give A Fuck – Eminem

The sun is coming up

And oh my god, I think I’m still drunk (1)

I’ll never forget the day that I realized I was a thug – I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 18, sitting in my red Pontiac Grand Prix in BFE with my ride or die. We were rolling up on this bumping party my friend was throwing looking hot with our big sunglasses, glitter in our hair, and eye liner that was too thick. We were basically Kesha before she removed the $.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the illest song on my mix cd came blaring from my speakers, and I cranked that shit. I started nodding my head along with the beat and then before anyone could stop me, I spit the chorus – “Where’s my ganstas and all my thugs, throw them hands up and show some love. And I welcome you to Detroit city. I said welcome to Detroit city (2).” Now my friend, she thought the song was dope too but as soon as I moved to the first verse “Click Click Boom just as soon as we hit the room you can hear ‘em holla Goon Sqwad in this bitch… (2)” she could tell I wasn’t fucking around. She lifted her sunglasses and in her eyes I could see she had mad respect and appreciation for my flow. I rapped the entire 4 minute song.

After the song was over, we had finally arrived at the party and we sat in the car in silence. After a good minute, my girl turns and looks at me and quietly said “You are the most thug white girl I’ve ever met.” I blushed. I usually tried to keep that side of me hidden away, because I had a rep to uphold. But then I knew, maybe it wasn’t so bad to let my freak flag fly. I was just seconds away from getting ‘Thug Lyfe’ tattooed on my hands (I didn’t, it would clash with the glitter).

We went inside the party, and it was one of the most fun nights of my life. The next day we woke up in an upstairs bedroom, and there was a frog in the bed. A fucking frog.

Detroit motherfuckers till we die (2).

 

Credit where credit is due –

  1. Party at a Rich Dude’s House – Kesha
  2. Welcome 2 Detroit City – Eminem

Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up?

We’re gonna have a problem here…. (1)

Yesterday at work I made a joke about stabbing people. Everyone stopped and stared at me in shock for a minute and then burst out laughing. They didn’t expect something so violent to come out of my pretty little white girl mouth (where my basic bitches at?). Surprisingly, this happens to me regularly. People just can’t handle my classic good looks, quick wit, and violent thoughts. OBVIOUSLY I’d never stab someone, but in the context of the conversation, it just made sense.

Because my obscene thoughts are often met with shock and awe, I started thinking. Am I the new Slim Shady of 2017? LOL no. But there are a plethora of similarities between us – we’re both short (respectively, I’m shorter than Slim), we’re both angry blondes, we both love Beats by Dre (headphones and otherwise), and we both wonder about whatever happened to wildin’ out and being violent. (2)

I’m no Rap God (3), so I needed to find a different way to release my hilarious, compelling, somewhat controversial thoughts to the world. I found the perfect place to spit my shit – this blog! I hope you find my thoughts and experiences entertaining, and maybe you’ll even relate.

But if I offend you, good. Because I just don’t give a fuck. (4)

Credit where credit is due –

  1. The Real Slim Shady – by Eminem
  2. Marshall Mathers – by Eminem
  3. Rap God – by Eminem
  4. Just Don’t Give a Fuck – by Eminem