The sun is coming up

And oh my god, I think I’m still drunk (1)

I’ll never forget the day that I realized I was a thug – I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 18, sitting in my red Pontiac Grand Prix in BFE with my ride or die. We were rolling up on this bumping party my friend was throwing looking hot with our big sunglasses, glitter in our hair, and eye liner that was too thick. We were basically Kesha before she removed the $.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the illest song on my mix cd came blaring from my speakers, and I cranked that shit. I started nodding my head along with the beat and then before anyone could stop me, I spit the chorus – “Where’s my ganstas and all my thugs, throw them hands up and show some love. And I welcome you to Detroit city. I said welcome to Detroit city (2).” Now my friend, she thought the song was dope too but as soon as I moved to the first verse “Click Click Boom just as soon as we hit the room you can hear ‘em holla Goon Sqwad in this bitch… (2)” she could tell I wasn’t fucking around. She lifted her sunglasses and in her eyes I could see she had mad respect and appreciation for my flow. I rapped the entire 4 minute song.

After the song was over, we had finally arrived at the party and we sat in the car in silence. After a good minute, my girl turns and looks at me and quietly said “You are the most thug white girl I’ve ever met.” I blushed. I usually tried to keep that side of me hidden away, because I had a rep to uphold. But then I knew, maybe it wasn’t so bad to let my freak flag fly. I was just seconds away from getting ‘Thug Lyfe’ tattooed on my hands (I didn’t, it would clash with the glitter).

We went inside the party, and it was one of the most fun nights of my life. The next day we woke up in an upstairs bedroom, and there was a frog in the bed. A fucking frog.

Detroit motherfuckers till we die (2).

 

Credit where credit is due –

  1. Party at a Rich Dude’s House – Kesha
  2. Welcome 2 Detroit City – Eminem

Okay, I’m going to attempt to drown myself….

You can try this at home. You can be just like me. (1)

Okay people, let’s talk about minding your own damn business.

I work at a large company and we have an open seating arrangement that’s really annoying. There’s no offices, no cubicles, just a row of tables and the employees sit side by side, like a millennial sweat shop. Anytime anyone speaks, the whole office can hear it. Bye bye privacy. So there’s this one guy who sits near me and takes it upon himself to tell my boss (who works remotely) every little thing I say. What a douche. So then I get a call 10 minutes later from my boss “Were you complaining about me?” “Do you hate your job?” “Do you regularly contemplate murder/suicide during business hours?” Okay, in all fairness the answer is probably a hard yes to all of those questions, but YOU AREN’T HERE AND YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

I know all of you reading this are polite, kind, business minders, but for anyone who may be unfamiliar with the concept or need to develop the skill set, get ready for a LIFE LESSON.

  1. Did you hear the full conversation? No? Then maybe don’t repeat it, idiot.
  2. Was I speaking to you? No? Then kindly BUTT OUT.
  3. Does what I’m saying affect you in any way, shape, or form? No? Cool. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

I can’t tell you how understanding and practicing those 3 little concepts will advance your life and your career, because if you don’t, people will hate you, you’ll have no friends, and you will die.

Whatever. I’m going to play kickball.

And if I offended you, good. Because I still don’t give a fuck. (2)

 

 

Credit where credit is due –

  1. Role Model – by Eminem
  2. Still Don’t Give A Fuck – by Eminem

Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up?

We’re gonna have a problem here…. (1)

Yesterday at work I made a joke about stabbing people. Everyone stopped and stared at me in shock for a minute and then burst out laughing. They didn’t expect something so violent to come out of my pretty little white girl mouth (where my basic bitches at?). Surprisingly, this happens to me regularly. People just can’t handle my classic good looks, quick wit, and violent thoughts. OBVIOUSLY I’d never stab someone, but in the context of the conversation, it just made sense.

Because my obscene thoughts are often met with shock and awe, I started thinking. Am I the new Slim Shady of 2017? LOL no. But there are a plethora of similarities between us – we’re both short (respectively, I’m shorter than Slim), we’re both angry blondes, we both love Beats by Dre (headphones and otherwise), and we both wonder about whatever happened to wildin’ out and being violent. (2)

I’m no Rap God (3), so I needed to find a different way to release my hilarious, compelling, somewhat controversial thoughts to the world. I found the perfect place to spit my shit – this blog! I hope you find my thoughts and experiences entertaining, and maybe you’ll even relate.

But if I offend you, good. Because I just don’t give a fuck. (4)

Credit where credit is due –

  1. The Real Slim Shady – by Eminem
  2. Marshall Mathers – by Eminem
  3. Rap God – by Eminem
  4. Just Don’t Give a Fuck – by Eminem